United States of Atlantica?

So, I have had a wonderful, amazing, horrible, terrible idea: Trump can propose to Zelensky( who currently has much of the ceded power of his nation's legislature) that we make Ukraine a protectorate, with a fast track to a statehood vote. I've probably misunderstood at least one of the processes involved, but it is nonetheless a provocative notion.

POSSIBLE BECAUSE:

Ukrainians don't want to lose their own language and culture, which Russia explicitly intends to destroy. Also, many have sought refuge in the USA. They will vote to add to our collective rather than becoming part of Russia's relentlessly de-individualized hegemony.

Annexation guidelines require that countries to be annexed under protectorate status not be economically independent and Schengen inclusion sidesteps original intent, as does current failure to earn any GDP.

Democrats strongly favor supporting Ukraine and cannot justify opposition under their own platform.

Republicans want a swift end to the war and under their platform, cannot ignore defense options.

Ukraine already contains USA's Patriot missile systems and USA-military trained soldiers to operate these systems.

Trump can ask Elon Musk to unlock Ukraine's donated StarLink satellites for a defense contractor, creating a flexible communications infrastructure during elections and rebuilding.

TRUMP'S EGO REASONS:

These are white people, only a "garbage"[ white trash] country, not a "shithole"[ black and brown peoples] country in his words. They are also highly skilled.

Gets to expand the USA like he wants, and can withdraw from his impulsive declaration about Gaza and bizarre fixation with Greenland.

Excuse to close off other new immigration for between 2 and 10 years.

Keeps his promise to end the war quickly( maybe 2).

DOWNSIDES:

Massive European resentment of USA.

European economic depression, as forgiven debts do NOT result in future borrowing during rebuilding.

Bank of Europe and dependent national economies may default if Trump ignores remaining debts of Ukraine.

Putin may immediately launch against all NATO countries.

Ukrainian movement within the EU becomes more difficult.

Palestinian extermination possible.

UPSIDES:

Alternatively, removal of Netanyahu and reconciliation of Palestine with Israel becomes a greater political/military feasability.

Puerto Rico may be pulled into statehood vote within 5 years as part of a deal with Democrats to fast-track Ukraine votes.

China suffers economically as Africa and South Asia reëxamine Belt & Road coöperation in light of permanent American military foothold in the old world.

Full Ukrainian territory restored without concession or even revoked concessions—with statehood on the horizon, Ukraine is American territory and part of NATO without waiting for admission... Putin must immediately launch against every NATO country or concede and politely withdraw from all disputed territory while America's Ukrainian soldiers do the same if any are still in Russia.

Putin will have made his own worst nightmare come true, may die of heart attack.

American Spirit rekindled—Ukraine and Puerto Rico remind everyone that we are The Melting Pot and the hope of the future—a New Manifest Destiny.

All support and loans given to Ukraine become US investment in US territory and citizens , allowing Trump to count its debts to the USA as a reduction to the part of the USA budget deficit derived from domestic investment in bonds.

Once reëstablished, Ukrainian food pipeline benefits America in both supply terms and in terms of ongoing economic exchange with embittered Europe.

NEUTRAL EFFECTS:

American religion gets a reprieve, without empowering the Catholic church or overwhelming other religions—Ukrainian communities are strongly faith-based, but follow the Eastern Christian Orthodoxy.

Catastrophic Middle East conflict becomes a more immediate concern, but less likely.

MAGA Republicans, who can't reëlect Trump anyway, become split down the middle between those who think that adding more white people and a foothold in the old world Makes America Greater, and those who equate that sort of dissembling with what they accuse Democrats of.

Possible Russian economic collapse.

Three Wishes

Did I ever tell you that I solved the three wishes problem? As far as I can tell, this issue has vexed mankind at least since magical wish-granting first appeared in folklore. There is exactly one, single way, at least in languages which have a definite article, to use three wishes incorruptibly:

"I wish¹ that this wish² I am making is, always has been, and always shall be, theᵈᵉᶠⁱⁿⁱᵗᵉ ᵃʳᵗⁱᶜˡᵉ correct wish³."

Note that this doesn't prevent other wishes from being granted, it only means that they are/were not, strictly speaking, correct when they were made, and they are/were granted only by coincidence or as an extended consequence of the correct wish being made at least once by some wisher.

It partially reflects the nature of wishing as an expression of desire, and desire, being an emotion, cannot have a moral value of either right or wrong, nor A correctness—at worst, emotions can be inappropriate for the circumstance, but because they are not something that can be controlled directly, they do not constitute choices and are therefore ineligible for judgment. It's our reactions to our emotions, which we do have control over and bear responsibility for, that are right or wrong, correct or incorrect.

It's also impossible for any djinni or other wish-granters to refuse it, or rather, it's irrelevant if they do; they don't actually have to do anything, since it already actually is the correct wish—and the only one, at that. It always has been.

Proof: Tea 4 2

Douglas Adams fans, prepare for a shock so big it'll knock you over and so interesting/engrossing you'll forget to hit the ground:

The answer to life, the universe and everything isn't the numerical value forty-two, but rather the digits 42, which, in every numerical base for which they are valid, represent a multiple of two which is not a multiple of four. Or put another way, those digits ALWAYS represent a multiple of two which is NEVER a multiple of any power of two, starting with base 5( the ordinally-primate base to have a digit representing the value four), in which 42 denotes 4 fives( equal to twenty) and 2 ones, for a minimum value of 22. Counting up or down by fours from there shows us the pattern that explains why 42 is such an important digit combination:

In base 2, binary, the value 6 is written 110( 1 four, 1 two, and 0 ones) and 10 is represented as 1010( 1 eight, 0 fours, 1 two, and 0 ones).

In base 3, 14 is 112( 1 nine, 1 three, 2 ones).

In base 4, 18 is 102.

In base 5, 22 is 42.

In base 6, 26 is 42.

In base 7, 30 is 42.

In base 8, 34 is 42.

In base 9, 38 is 42.

In base 10, 42 is 42.

In base 13, 54( "What do you get when you multiply 6 times 9?") is 42.

And so on...

Essentially, when seen this way, the series represents a new type of interesting number( multiples of two that AREN'T multiples of any power of two) which are much more predictable but equally as infinite and potentially as important as the primes, especially in geometry and computing; and maybe also in the identification of mathematical structures that constitute rings.

Because the prime factors of each of these numbers include only a single 2, and all non-quantum computing is binary, they might be useful in computing, either for the blockchain or security encryption, as they're essentially binary incompressible beyond that initial halving.

I hereby propose calling the series Adams's Numbers, a name which doesn't seem to be taken( not to be confused with Addams's Numbers.)( If it is taken, call 'em Serkey's Numbers. 😜)[ Or just say Douglas Adams's explicitly.]

And here's a proof I wrote for one interesting correlation within the series, that when you double a prime you get an Adams's number( although not all half-Adams's numbers are primes, obviously):

For n ≥ 1, 4n ± 2 is the formula identifying and defining the series "[Douglas ]Adams's Numbers", the nth member of which can be written as "42" in base_n, provided n ≥ 5.

Let 'p' represent any prime number greater than 2.

Let p - 1 = 2n

2p - 2 = 4n

2p = 4n + 2

so in any baseₙ, where n ≥ 5, 2p will be expressed as “42”. Next:

Let p + 1 = 2n

2p + 2 = 4n

2p = 4n - 2

ergo:

Let p ± 1 = 2n

2p ± 2 = 4n

2p = 4n ± 2

The double of any odd prime is an Adams's Number.

From Reddit: Boston School Committee: Racist and Adultist

You know, adultism: when adults indulge in immature behavior favoring their own comfort and preferences in making decisions for children and teens without even consulting said children and teens, even though the children and teens will feel the effects of the decisions in question MUCH more than the know-it-all adults ever will.

Adultism is so much more insidious than other toxic -isms, because its proponents can convince themselves they're a diverse coalition, when diversity is supposed to mean inclusion. Then they go and DON'T include young people in SO many processes *about* young people.

As a practice it's just so fucking stupid, since young folks tend to have a pretty good perspective on what might actually be helpful for them, their peers, or even kids just a year or two behind them—since they *were* those kids much more recently than we were. But in many situations that perspective never even gets heard, let alone considered.

When I was a kid, Linda Ellerbe told my entire generation of Americans to stand up and fight for our rights too, Kids' Rights was an actual thing and we took to the hallways of our schools and our city council chambers, and we tried to make a stand for planet Earth and justice in the world AND in the home. But now what the hell is my generation doing to our successors?

When we were their age, we knew better on some things. *Not* just thought we did, we *proved* we did, with the help of Ellerbe and other adult heroes from Gen X. There's no reason to think that, as we become our parents, we still know better, even though—the same way we learned tech as an extension of ourselves—they're now programming in preschool and will probably be building and augmenting their entire phenotype by the time they get here.

Where the hell is Viacom now? What the hell happened? Is Greta Thunberg the end of seeing tomorrow campaign to make tomorrow better than today?

How the Supreme Court of the U.S.A. can win against Trump's ballot eligibility

It's not REALLY a question of whether the Fourteenth Amendment was intended to include the Presidency; one may safely presume that the amenders simply did not envision an unredeemed insurrectionist having such an opportunity, not that they wished to avoid impeding such ascendance.

But clearly, there is a reasonable concern that agitated, disenfranchised-feeling MAGAans might riot and flatten half the country. So what to do?

I say, remove Biden simultaneously. Despite him not being indicted nor charged, the justice department still technically found both men had violated the State Secrets Act, if only slightly, and I believe that act deflares any violation of itself to be treason, right?

So… let Harris take over. Elevate House Speaker Mike Johnson( ugh) to V.P.; he's on his way out of the speakership anyway. And maybe, if Harris being the Democratic incumbent allows Haley to bounce back a bit, with Dr. Stein on the Green Party ticket, We could aee ballots with women simultaneously heading THREE possible executive comvos. Now that'd be refreshing!

The Good, the Nice, & the People-pleasers

As I often do, I answered a question on Quora: “What is the difference between being a nice person and being a people pleaser?” which eventually got merged into “What is the difference between a people pleaser and a genuinely good person?”

People-pleasers will offer/agree/promise to give of themselves, even to the point of exhaustion, whatever those around them want, in order to avoid anyone around them feeling( or more accurately, expressing) any kind of negativity. This behavior often leads the People-Pleasing to overcommit themselves and others, resulting in half-assed attempts to keep all their promises, and it may cause them to overlook long-term outcomes and unintentionally cause serious harm due to things they didn’t think about and didn’t know. When they see injustice they often unintentionally perpetuate it by trying to make up for it themselves to the injured parties( sometimes attempting to guilt-trip bystanders into helping), rather than risk confrontation and negativity by helping the victim(s) hold those actually responsible to account. In a worst-case scenario, people-pleasers may lie just to keep others around them smiling in the moment, and may neglect their own responsibilities or families in trying to meet their excessive obligations. Some people-pleasers are deliberately attempting to deceive others and garner support for questionable causes and future plans, but many are just exhibiting a maladaptive emotional response to some past trauma in which many people around them were upset and they suffered a great loss of some kind( not necessarily in that order, if they were very young). People-pleasers are often confused about why not everyone likes them. When confronted with their failures, they may become depressed and defensive, may be overly apologetic while not actually changing, may make excuses and try to avoid talking about the past, or may choose to label the person who brings it up as ungrateful and make that person an exception to their “helpful” attitude.

Nice people do nice things, i.e., things that make other people happy, or attempt to improve others’ lives when they have an opportunity; but typically, even though they’ll go out of their way to do something nice, regardless of whether anyone appreciates it, those who aren’t people-pleasing know their limits and draw the line. For some of them, the line is whether or not any conflict arises, and even if conflict doesn’t endanger them personally, they’ll often react to it by withdrawing( in contrast to people-pleasers’ attempts to assuage it). Some will instead take whichever side wants to settle things in the simplest or ‘nicest’ way, even if this ignores or perpetuates injustice. Nice people are frequently well-liked, but when those who hold them in high esteem have a serious crisis, especially one which paints them unflatteringly in the public eye, the Nice often are suddenly unavailable or have no help to offer. This doesn’t make their other contributions false, but it’s important to keep in mind—appreciate but don’t depend on them. The motivation of nice-to-a-point people potentially comes down to idolizing someone else’s good deeds as a child, but being criticized, mocked, or taken advantage of during an early attempt to emulate that, or subsequently seeing their hero brought low by some event. Sometimes nice people who are stressed out or in crisis will fall into people-pleasing in an attempt to maintain their self-image as helpful and effective.

Good people also frequently do nice things, but being nice is not the same thing as being good. Good people try to do the right thing whenever they are able, whilst being mindful of their own capacity. When they offer to help or accept a request, they let the person know what other obligations might limit their contributions, and if they find themselves unable to meet their commitments, they let others involved know right away, rather than trying to implement some sort of complicated backup plan without the input of the folks they’re letting down( as a people-pleaser might do). Good people think carefully and realistically about their options and about what matters to them, then they do for others whatever they can manage while still being good to themselves, even if their actions go unnoticed. When they decide to do something, good people stick to it even if their actions make other people unhappy( provided the offended party suffers no actual detriment). However, good people will muster a robust, even shocking, defense if someone with unreasonable expectations or malicious intent attempts to unfairly criticize or victimize them, or in their presence does so to others. Good people, when faced with a conflict, take the challenge head-on; they keep an open mind and never invalidate anyone’s feelings, but are stubbornly committed to a truly just resolution, insisting that solutions be genuinely reasonable, rather than easy or palatable. This means they can always be reasoned with by someone who is willing to tell them the whole truth and accept fairness, but never bought or bribed by those trying to gain an advantage, and they may even become aggressive if pressed; accordingly, the Good frequently have enemies( people-pleasers are especially prone to be uncomfortable or hostile around them), and good folks often treat these enemies with the same consideration shown to everyone else. Eventually, some of these enemies may become their closest friends, or become inspired to change their own lives and attitudes for the better; while other enemies may endlessly seek to drive them away, or may even successfully destroy their reputation & well-being by capitalizing on conflict. Sad as it is, this shouldn’t be surprising; good people support truly worthy causes, and thus won’t back down until they are thoroughly defeated.

My advice to you is to learn to distinguish these behaviors, don’t people-please( for your own sake and others’), and if you can’t bring yourself to consistently be good, at least be nice and have good judgement. Don’t form or repeat opinions based on secondhand information, and commit yourself to not supporting the angry mobs or vicious rumors that enemies of good people often try to start.

Abortion as Euthanasia

I consider a) preventing someone from getting an abortion b) forcing an abortion on someone*, c) misleading people to think a pre-birth human is not yet a person, AND d) misleading people to think that abortion is inherently wrong, to ALL be heinous acts that are unequivocally as bad as second-degree murder( or worse), morally, and if I had my druthers the law would treat them as such.

Abortion IS, and should ALWAYS be regarded and referred to as, a choice between whatever the pregnant person's personal cost of carrying to term is, and the cost to that person of choosing to end another human life. And since both of those things are entirely relative to that person's experience and NO ONE ELSE's, either choice should be sacrosanct.( The fertilized egg/blastocyst/zygote/embryo/fetus IS a human person, just as much as severely disabled individuals are, but does not yet have a perspective and thus need not be consulted; and in this matter said person ought only be considered at all by the bearer on whom it is dependent, NOT by those who aren't subject to _direct_ *biological* effects of the pregnancy in question.)

Seeing as I was given up for adoption shortly after birth, I think my perspective on this carries more weight than most men's: because in order to take this stance, I have to acknowledge that my own existence may be a consequence of an atrocity. And as someone living in the 21st century, when AI may attain consciousness, and as a person on the autism spectrum( albeit relatively high-functioning), it's important to me to say that personhood should not be biologically determined, nor wholly on capacity. It's a matter of known potential, and realistically also a matter of relationships. It can't exist in a vacuum and can be inferred in the absence of evidence.

I do accept and acknowledge that my views, while logically unimpeachable, can only make sense to those who accept that other forms of euthanasia are killing but not wrong( e.g., assisted suicide, removing life support, etc.). Anyone working from a conflicting axiom, such as the belief that life or the duration thereof is always more important than quality of life, cannot comprehend my premise.

*and yes; being a company that can afford to offer paid parental leave but prioritizes other investments ABSOLUTELY counts as forcing an abortion on someone; so does impregnating a person without consent; as also does being a medical qualified and choosing to selectively provide information or ultimately refusing to perform abortion( unless the doctor has a close personal or familial relationship to the pregnant person or impregnator); so too does being a government entity which collects taxes but fails to provide full support for abortion or neglects to facilitate adoption for those who do not wish to be parents but cannot bear to abort, unless said government has proactively provided/offered free birth control( including post-coital) & relevant education to a pregnant person who became impregnated during consensual activities; among many other circumstances.

National Coming Out Day: Make It Better

It’s National Coming Out Day, so as usual, here’s the essay I wrote in 2010( slightly edited). Take time today to embrace honesty & stand in solidarity. You CAN make a difference for yourself, someone you know – or maybe someone you've never met who needs it most of all. Many of us know now that it gets better, but we must never forget the times before that; and it’s now up to us to MAKE it better for those who come next.

NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY: MAKE IT BETTER

By Ethan Miguel S.

I’m gay, i.e., a homosexual; from a Greek root prefix meaning “like” or “same”, it indicates that I am primarily attracted to people of my own sex & gender( in my case, a male attracted to other males). I suspect you knew this( otherwise, please go to the service center & get your gaydar checked out), but in honor of National Coming Out Day, I thought I’d say it again today.

In light of the recent rise of gender issues in the media & public discourse, I will also state that I am cisgender, even though this state( from a prefix meaning “on the near side of” & indicating a psychological gender consistent with one’s biological sex as seen physically at birth or evident genetically) is the assumed default and does not require a ‘coming out’ per se.

As long as transgender( from a prefix meaning “across” and denoting discord between one's biological sex & gender identity) people are treated as secondary or as “not really” the men/women they know themselves to be, to highlight the absurdity of not accepting them as such( or not accepting the uncertainty of those who question) I will happily also take the time to be explicit regarding the relationship between my biological sex & my gender identity, despite that such information is generally not a legitimate concern of anyone other than oneself, one's sexual partners, and medical personnel treating one.

I also encourage everyone, from not queer to completely out, to take a step today:

If you are mostly or completely closeted, come out to at least one new person, or a whole social circle; step into the light & breathe the sweet air of freedom.

If you are already largely out, but maybe not entirely, I challenge you to make it official & complete, to set an example for those who will come after you—“But,” you say, “it’s just a part of who I am, and besides, it’s not most people’s business.”—well, maybe it SHOULD be: if you think it’s not important, consider how your reluctance looks to those living in fear; after all, if it’s really as unimportant as you claim, if you honestly are not just afraid, then why not mention it? and do so even to those distant coworkers, today[ or this week], when you have an excuse, no, an important REASON to come out, instead of continuing to let it fall by the wayside? You may give one of them the courage to join you in the light.

If you are totally out & self-accepting( or just a cis, hetero, GLBTQ ally), remind those you know who are closeted that wherever & whenever they come out, be it today, this week, or in 20 years, there are people like you who have( seen or) been through it before, and will be there to support them & show them unconditional love.

Finally, to those really stuck in a situation that requires you to remain closeted for reasons of physical safety, unable to tell anyone or live as your true self yet today, but at least somehow seeing this… I promise, it gets better. Hang in there. Someday, you will find the place where you can be you, and know you & show your truth to others, and I know you will be amazing. *hugs*

Know that I am here for all of you, as much as I can be. If you have a problem, you can ask for my assistance, always. I will do what I reasonably can, and in return I only require that you be willing to pay it forward.

♥

Can People Change? Here's My 2¢

Talking with a friend about Greta Thunberg( the teenage girl who took the United Nations General Assembly to task for betraying the environment while only “talk[ing about…] fairytales of eternal economic growth”), he indicated that the problem is getting people to change and opined that the key is getting them to want to. I responded: “It's definitely a component but I don't think it's the key, because it's really not a tricky thing at all. If you think it through, it's relatively straightforward that most people do want to change, or at least they're completely willing to change themselves in order to change the things they don't like about their lives; look at the prevalence of[…] goal-setting techniques and apps, New Year's resolutions...”.

I've been reflecting lately on one of the most profound examples of a change I've personally witnessed, and the role I played in it:

When I was a little boy, my mother, in addition to her in-home psychotherapy practice, worked one day a week in a clinical setting some 20–30 miles from home, close to the city. So on Tuesdays, because my father shouldn't be trusted to prepare items intended for human consumption, the three of us always ate out. As a result, despite that I don't easily make eye contact, "please" and "thank you" to people I don't know for the services they perform became ingrained, and this was reinforced by the discussion around tipping and constant open acknowledgement by my white-collar parents( both from blue-collar childhood backgrounds) of how hard people work in service industries.

So when I wound up in drug rehab, despite my distress over the completely inappropriate situation( I wasn't actually using drugs at all by that time), from the first time I went up to the cafeteria counter to get a plate of food added to my lunch tray, I naturally said "thank you" to the workers behind it. I was slightly taken aback by the lack of a response, but knowing I mumble sometimes, I decided to use my trained ability to project my voice and make sure that I was heard the next time. At dinner that same day, I was definitely heard—a row of heads jerked up from looking down at the food and stared at me like I had three. So I smiled at them and went to sit down. Over the next several meals they got used to me saying it. Maybe they even talked about it after the lunchroom cleared, who knows? Sometimes, there was no response, sometimes they mumbled without looking up.

Finally, about three or four days after I arrived, they were serving something with a choice of side, so when they asked me “[A] or [B]?” I said “[B] please.”, and a hearty thank you after the worker scooped what I suspected was an extra-large helping onto my plate. And she looked me full in the face, smiled back and said "You're welcome. Enjoy!". You could almost hear the dam breaking, and never again did silence meet my thanks.

On any given day, at least 85% of the people eating in that cafeteria don't want to be there. I can understand that a lot of them have trouble feeling or expressing gratitude in a situation like that, and some of them are petty or serious criminals, so I also get why staff are wary. There are always staff members st the entrances and exit of the cafeteria keeping an eye on the "clients", including next to the kitchen entryway by the counter window. The one guarding that door that day and helping to hand out dessert also smiled and put an extra cookie in my bowl, and later I heard him talking to a clinician about how strange and encouraging it was to see the invisible wall breaking down between the kitchen and the dining room since I had come. Even though I didn't need to be there for the given reasons, it's one reason to be grateful for the experience.

I was stuck at the Men's Addiction Treatment Center for 3 weeks, I was on the "good" ward, the one with the least behavior problems, and I commented on these cafeteria happenings to some of my friends, who started to emulate me. We were paired with the detox unit for meals, so as people in my unit left and people on the detox rotated out to other units, newcomers that I befriended over meals started coming to stand in line by me and picked up the habit. By the time I left, while not everybody was engaging, I can say for sure that the counter and window was a lot less of a quiet, get-your-meal-and-find-your-seat area than when I arrived. Clients were looking at the workers and workers were looking them in the face, exchanging thank you and you're welcome and sometimes smiles in a place that needed more smiles.

It's not something I set out to do, and it's not something that those workers or the other commited men were looking for from me. But change happened, and it grew, and that tells me that people in hard situations are willing and even happy to adapt, they just need a way to believe that the world around them can be better and they can be a part of that.

Riddle Me This

What can someone else have for you, and give to you, without it ever becoming yours?

Something that many of us can name long before we know the first thing about its nature. Something you can receive constantly for years, yet you may never have any, nor really even know what it is, until you find you have some that's not for you—but instead for someone else; often for someone whose you've never expected yourself to have, and still might not. When you have it for anyone else, it's always yours, that you still have no matter whom you give it to.

What can go unseen by those to whom it is shown, and often remains unknown to they whom it is made for?

It's the most difficult thing in the world to show to those who don't know what it looks like( but think they do), even though they most need to see it; most difficult to give to those who don't have it and most need it, even though you won't lose it and most people want to receive it.

The thing most important to keep showing & giving; even to those who might never see it nor have any for themselves, let alone have any to show or give to you & others.

(Hints in the comments.)

IDEA: S.H.E.L.T.E.R.

…a Society for Helping to Enhance Lives via Temperature Equilibrium Retention.

“Until everyone gets to go home somewhere, we all need to have S.H.E.L.T.E.R. in our lives.”

  Shelter is one of the basic needs for human survival. Why is that exactly? I got to thinking about this recently( I’ll tell you why in a bit). Well, we need some place where we can stay warm and dry, or cool and dry, but not so dry as to become dehydrated. So what shelter really represents for us, in essence, is the ability to regulate & stably maintain the temperature of our bodies and possibly the relative humidity in the immediate surroundings, so that we don’t lose too much moisture, nor get wind-whipped and lose too much heat, nor be baked alive by the sun, or waterlogged from precipitation which changes nervous system response to prioritize balance & tactile sensitivity & thus interfes with autonomic reactions such as immune function at the same time as it provides a favorable environment for microorganisms we don't encounter otherwise.

Shelter is our means to avoid exposure to extremes of temperature, humidity, and atmospheric disturbance; the more we mitigate those extremes the less we feel the want of shelter when denied such by circumstances.

  Thursday night I got stuck out close to midnight. I’d forgotten my wallet and my phone died. It was a long way home. A much longer way than I ever anticipated going on foot, and the cold so much deeper than it seemed at first; although my nice leather jacket and just a pair of cargo pants were sufficient to keep my legs and torso warm, my double-gloved hands & bare face, slashed by the winds tearing down every long straight road, felt cold like I’ve never experienced before. My toes too, when three layers of socks were finally soaked through; and the cold infiltrated to my core as I tried to warm my extremities and chilled blood flooded back towards my heart. I shivered harder than I ever had, and I would say the pain just from the cold was probably at 6. I typically don’t rate pain higher than that, and reserve 7 for bad sprains, the kind that mean possible hairline fractures. When I had a stomach ulcer, that was my only 9.

  Some people have to live in that environment. I was very aware of them as I made the long trek home—a couple miles in weather that when I got home, Google Home told me was 11°F. The last half-mile was hardest, sobbing aloud and struggling at every street corner to push myself past the wind and to another moment of shelter in a doorway. I had minor frostbite, and the heat after I got inside bardly seemed to touch me. I just curled up in bed, half-dressed still, and cried from the pain for another half hour until I fell asleep. I woke up Friday still a little cold all through my body. While it’s true that I feel a sensation a hell of a lot more acutely and deeply than most, that’s not even the coldest New England gets in winter, and even for those who become acclimated, it’s still not healthy, let alone comfortable. I almost cried again thinking of them, and I wondered, “What can I do about this? What can WE do about this, those of us who are lucky enough to have four walls and a roof and maybe heating & air conditioning?”

  S.H.E.L.T.E.R. is what I came up with mulling it over for about an hour or so Friday morning. At first I was thinking, “What I WANT to do is run—brrr, well maybe take an Uber—right out and buy scarves & hats & lightweight gloves or glove liners—the kind that work with touch screens, because I know that my homeless friends rely on their phones to coordinate where they might be able to go, but taking off winter gloves and exposing skin is how my hands got cold despite layers.” I figured, “I’ll put them in my bag and distribute them to panhandlers and others who look cold and clearly have nowhere to go. …why just me? This is way too big for one person alone.

  “What about a group? An organization, something people can volunteer for, yeah. What do I call it? Shelter, because that’s what I needed with the wind clawing at my skin; can I make a good backronym? Starts with an S, so probably Society, it’s got a t so that’s going to be Temperature, Temperature E.R.... Equilibrium Retention! S.H. Society for Helping E.L., Helping to... Enhance Lives. So easy and perfect it’s almost like fate; the Society for Helping to Enhance Lives via Temperature Equilibrium Retention, S.H.E.L.T.E.R..

  “Yeah: collect donations, buy & give to each participant the things we’ll carry to distribute and help keep the needy warm—O.K., warm’s great in the winter, but, it’s February; winter might get fierce for a little while, but then will be gone. So what about summer? Well, personal cooling? O.K., sun visors, personal electric fans, those neck cooling things you fill with cold water. For the fans, maybe rechargeable batteries so they don’t have to buy new ones and aren’t constantly adding significant volume to landfills—but also interchangeable; volunteers could charge them at home on charging bases then take them out and swap them with people who already had the fans but with batteries run down and no place to plug in. So maybe instead of working out of our own normal bags, distribute bags with a logo to help spread the word and to be identifiable to people who need us. Yeah, but just a lightweight bag that can be folded up and put in a pocket or a regular bag after running out so that people won’t be disappointed or harass volunteers who need to restock.”

  “So, what else to do to spread the word? And how to prevent abuse? That is, prevent people from, say, trying to pose as homeless so they can collect and resell the items. O.K., so what if the price of getting something from a S.H.E.L.T.E.R. volunteer is a geotagged-&-time/datestamped selfie together for our website? We can post them on a photo-map thingy like panoramio. Smiles of people whose lives are improved by S.H.E.L.T.E.R. makes a great visual aid for potential donors; at the same time, this allows us to keep track and make sure somebody isn’t getting dozens of handouts over the course of a single day or week, and socially it’s very unlikely that people who don’t actually need it would want to be seen online taking handouts, let alone publicly outed as defrauding a charity.

  “This also prevents our volunteers from abusing the same way; by requiring any reported giveaway that isn’t matched to a photo to be reimbursed before they are afforded more supplies, and in the digital age the photo can be tagged. If we commission a smartphone app, a computer system could even automatically keep track of their supply and when they need to restock, and maybe if the photos are auto-uploaded, if anything happens to a volunteer, we have some idea of where he or she last distributed items.”

  That’s where I stopped. I’m an idea guy, but the nitty-gritty of organizing anything is something I can only manage in short bursts, which I currently have to devote mostly to scrambling for some kind of personal individual future; after suffering a long string of failure, augmented by massive losses beyond my control, my life right now is more of a mess than ever, and my resources are less than ever.

  My source of funds is gone, my retirement/backup plan is gone, most of the links to the better part of my social life are gone, the people I love most are distant and falling away( old, or sick, or in jail, or status unknown), and my stable home & sole investment is going( since returning in June I've burned through around 17–18% of my equity, and barely replaced what I’d guess to be 40% of essentials, 10% of all lost).

  Still, it’s a nice idea, S.H.E.L.T.E.R., one of those “If I had a million dollars...” things, and I thought I’d share.

Facing Adversity

Not-So-Fun fact: I’m face blind. Look it up, or the technical term, prosopagnosia. Basically, it means that I cannot remember or directly recognize the faces of other people; unless there is something highly unusual about your features like scarring or a birthmark, I don’t really know your face. Even my own; if I didn’t know it was me in the mirror, I wouldn't recognize me.

Like my other disabilities, I’ve learned to compensate for this via context, mannerisms, voice, and other cues, but if you were to come up to me in public out of context and having a significantly different hairstyle and clothing than I had ever seen you with before, chances are I wouldn’t know whom you are, even if we have been close for years. Likewise, if someone had even a remotely similar build and skin tone, with similar hair and manner of dress, I could mistake that person for you, especially in a context where I expect I might encounter you. This disability could of course be taken advantage of, but that would potentially be criminal fraud and a terrible hate crime. Height comparison isn’t normally a helpful factor, either, as most of my friends are men, and most men here in the northeastern United States of America are taller than me( the tallest I have ever been was five feet five-and-three-quarters inches( 5′5¾″), or approximately one hundred sixty-seven centimeters( 167 cm), and I may have shrunk slightly since, which isn’t all that uncommon by the early-to-mid-30s); I’ve been used to looking up at most folks all my life.

Because of my atypically specific visual memory, I’m rather better with photographs, two-dimensional images that aren’t moving; one odd result is that I probably know the faces of some celebrities better than those of my own friends and family( which isn’t to say I’d recognize them, either, in person), and the more close-up photos of you I have seen the more likely I am to know you in person by comparing my memories of them to your face when I see you. Thank heaven for social media! Sometimes, I'm at a loss to recognize someone and then just as I begin to consider giving in and apologetically asking the person to help me make the connection, he or she will happen to briefly pass through a position and facial expression that I can match to a photo I have seen.

It’s not that unusual for people on the autistic spectrum to have some degree of faceblindness, since we already process faces differently than neurotypical( NT) persons do, but the condition isn’t as inconvenient for me as it is for some NTs with it because I go out less, and when I do I’m usually heading for a specific destination to meet up with specific people. The fact that I live in a city rather than the town where I lived growing up, and only attended school in that town for a few years at the beginning and end of my pre-collegiate education probably helps also, because there are fewer people that I “should” recognize and less chance of encountering them.

Hello 33

And just like that, another year goes by. It was a scary one, in which I found myself betrayed & robbed of things material & otherwise; sober now so much is clear, including the demons & mysteries that were just in my fearful imagination... and that some in fact were not. There were and are genuine threats that hardly anyone else seems to even believe in. But I still know who I am, and can say with confidence( and evidence, finally!) that I am NOT crazy and was never as confused as some made me out to be. So as long as I am satisfied that I do the best I can, my peace cannot be stolen again, even when I lose badly. For my 34th year, I vow that 2016 will be my time to fight back, and anyone who would stand in my way or try to control me, e̶v̶e̶n̶especially “for [my] own good”, had better get ready to run.

  For once, though, my birthday was great, even though I didn’t simply stay home & take shelter. I resisted making any plans, but I ran some successful errands that really needed doing. In the evening I finally made it to Game Over, the monthly Boston video game bar night, to see my friends for my birthday, which made tonight a marked improvement over 2 years ago when I planned to have my 3rd 29th birthday party at G.O.... which then announced a winter hiatus... and then the venue announced that it would be closing( permanently) a week before my birthday.( G.O. is at a new venue now.)

  Then back here for some more partying, and this evening the object of my affection is supposed to come by for the night and spend NYE with me, and we're going to fix my heat & install my new Nest smart thermostat. Then I can just tell Google what I want temperature-wise and it will happen, like I can do with my lighting. :-)

–D.R.T.Y.boi E.M.

Goodbye 29... Hello 32

Most years, the holidays & my birthday make me absolutely miserable. Festivals of giving and bright shiny objects remind me that I am poor, and never manage as much as I would like in terms of material generosity to those who are so good to me. The new year means that another old year has gone by with little change in my situation. And my birthday, right in between, not only makes me feel old; this is usually a blah day at best, or outright terrible, especially if I try to make plans.
  For example, last year I was in the habit of attending a weekly game night at a certain pub. At the beginning of December, the game night moved from Tuesday to Sunday for the winter months, meaning the event would coincide with my 3rd annual 29th birthday. So, I decided, what the hell I would be there anyway, many of my friends would be; so why not invite everyone? So I did, I listed the event on social media and encouraged people to drop by, buy me a beer, and wish me a happy birthday.
  Not only was the first Sunday so empty that the guy running the event declared he would skip the rest of December if the second didn’t improve, we never got a chance to find out if it would because the pub suddenly anounced that that would be the date of their farewell event–that’s right: I tried to plan something on my birthday for the first time in ages, and the venue shut down. That’ll teach me.

  So this year, I've been spending it the way I have for most of the last decade: with no plans whatsoever, just a few of my favorite treats & videos, all on my own. Occasionally, something will materialize and work out O.K.; but not most years, and even though there have been a few offers and suggestions, I don’t think I’ll be doing much this year.
  Looking back on the year, I have a lot to be down about this holiday season. Two good people close to my heart passed away in the prime of their lives. I got a number of fantastic opportunities and didn’t make the most of them; although they weren’t completely squandered either. I failed to save a good friend’s important relationship when my help was sought, then botched my own chance with the object of his affection–also mine. I not only failed to demonstrate that trust isn’t weakness & there are people in the world one can rely on; despite instantly recognizing that we aggravated each other's codependent tendencies, I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and badly screwed by someone who didn't intend to and probably doesn’t even realize happened, and may be incapable of understanding the great enduring love and the deep sense of loss I still feel over our parting. Not to mention the time spent making that attempt pulled me away from every goal & every other good thing in my life.
  So it’s odd to realise that, for all I grieve the lost, and I miss & worry about the living lost to me, I haven't been particularly unhappy lately; in fact, this year has ended kind of O.K., if a bit lonely. And this is probably the best birthday I’ve had since I started turning 29. Frankly, among the best that I can ever remember. What’s going on? I’ve even been less affected by SAD than usual( although the bright lights could have something to do with that).

  There's a saying that one can learn far more from defeat than from victory. As many could attest, I'm not a gracious loser, at least not without seriously strenuous effort; but it's true, these are the best lessons. Earlier this year my mother mentioned to me that if I wanted to find my birth parents, I would have any resources I needed. At the time, I wasn't ready. If I met my birth mother, how could I show her whom I've grown up to be without even knowing that myself? But after catching Kung Fu Panda 2 on TV the other day and seeing the( marvelous!) new Annie on Christmas Eve with my parents( both movies about orphans seeking answers about their past & finding their place in the world), I told them it's time for me to start looking.
  In 2014, I learned a lot about loss, & about weakness–my own & others’; in the process, I have grown stronger. I'm retarded, slow; it's not about giving up or being lazy, it's about knowing when the approach that works for many others isn't the best use of my energy. I'm disrupted rather than motivated by discomfort and thus I must count on being more drained after certain endeavors, perhaps foregoing rewards that I wouldn't be able to enjoy in the same way as a neurotypical person after toughing it out. I have ADHD and thus I'm prone to distraction; in any given time period I can I only count on getting done a quarter of what I wish to, although perhaps many other things that are better off done, even if I wouldn't've prioritized them.
  My awareness of the world around me is far more acute than most people’s in some respects, and sorely lacking in others; sometimes it is too much to ask me to hold on to a piece of paper for two hours, sometimes I lose $500 cash walking from the register to the edge of the parking lot, get to the concert and don't have my ID, remember your favorite soda but forget you hate those chips; & sometimes you should ask me things just because you've got nothing to lose and, being me, I might have an answer no one else would think of. Sometimes I look like a normal person to whom those things happen every now and then, and sometimes that's going to make it hard for you to remember & understand that on the days I seem to be purely a screw-up , what's wrong with me is the same thing that's always wrong with me, every moment, and I’ve just run out of plans or energy to fight it on that particular day.

As I return to this blog, I’ve been rereading many prior entries. Looking back on my experiences of Sean, of Rebecca. Reflecting on the time after I last published an entry semicolon on the dreams and aspirations that went unfulfilled when I became preoccupied with a great & unique friend who might have ultimately been the love of my life if we could even stand to look at each other now. 2014, it seems, was my year to learn about loss, & about weakness–my own & others’. In the process, I have grown stronger.

  Today I was astounded by all the people who said happy birthday to me, both publicly & privately. On social media and in my calendar, I watched so many of theirs go by thinking how it didn't really matter if I sent birthday wishes to people I haven’t seen in years. I am truly humbled by the love that surrounds me, & despite missing those who are no longer with me, I’m happy to be looking forward rather than backward on my birthday. I'm ready to find my roots because now I can see the main context of what they support.

  I've seen the best & worst of myself in the last 3 years,  and while it’s not a pretty or flattering viewpoint I’ve arrived at, it's the perspective I needed. I know what I have to offer others and I know what is beyond me to do or give and still preserve myself. If people don't want to rely on my strengths & cover my weaknesses, I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that's their problem. It's kind of appropriate, as someone with a pervasive developmental disorder, that it's taken me this long to reach my thirties. But although the past will always be with me, I'm tired of  worrying about whom I have been, what I could become, or how I should live. The future is about whom I am, warts and all, as they say. Love me or leave me; at least you got that right, B my dear.

  Goodbye 29, hello 32.

–D.R.T.Y.boi E.M.

she flies on her own

Please forgive sudden silence. Unexpected conditions for a trip( flew to California, attended convention, acquired Google Glass), followed by the unexpected death of my cousin: http://cliffviewpilot.com/popular-bergen-paramedic-killed-in-new-mexico-helicopter-crash/

Ex Patria... ad Infinitum?

Father, you have done me Wrong, as ever Parent does to Child. Father, you have done me Wrong, for My own Good–where is my Good in it? Is Guilt the Good? Is Silence, maybe? To hold my Tongue, to Honor, to Obey? To be beaten down, by a World that vents it Pain on the Weak? I should not say Mother was a better Parent–I could not Be, without You, who I am, the Me I value. I was Built by You–am I Perverse, then, to Fail aloud? Is it Heresy to be From you, yet Broken? To be yet Broken, From you? Father, you have done me WRONG: I cannot say I will be a better Father–I cannot say I have been any better a Son.

  Borne to you though not born to you, an adopted child is like any child but more so: of you, yet not your flesh; your ideals, yet not in your mind; perhaps your will, yet not bound by your perspective nor driven by your life; confronting shared experiences, but with a different strength, at once greater & lesser–& a neurologically “disordered” child lives in your world, yet does not know it in your way.( For this I am contemptible or pitiable to those “rightly ordered”.)
  Is it fickle fate or outrageous fortune, or was it something deeper still, my origin so far from the “reflexive obeisance” you wrote into your history, described as a mark of your heritage? My heritage is not only yours, & the misery that haunts it & the lessons we must not forget–but also that of the guerrilla–the little war. The guerrillero fights such a war–in every way, at every turn, with all at his disposal. For home, for truth, against invasion, against oppression–against the father or against the self, a choice the men there make, unaware; & some beat into their own children: choose the father. Not so different from you, then, yet... if not beaten down we rise up. My blood runs hotter than I can bare to hold in; I vent heat in fiery passion, blazing bright in the world. For all my differences & all my faults, & all my alien being, I am what you wanted, & what you feared: I am you–now stronger than you ever imagined being. Stronger still in knowing my weaknesses. Strongest yet in knowing yours, & in seeing them the same.

  We best know others in relation to ourselves, we best know ourselves in relation to others. You look at others as still images, reliefs, as frozen, but we of the future are living, & those of the past, the dead, still recede as much from the present. To see us cast in stone is to cast yourself immobile. To look back at the past you turn away from the future, to hold it you abandon the present–but a mirror can allow us to see behind while facing forward. To view the living past & living present & living future at once, look with a mirror. To see like unto infinity, regard one mirror in another.
  I want us to be better, to be a better son; you need only let me–but obsessed with being a better father( than you had or than you were, I wonder?), thinking to learn from others’ failures, you only learnt their flaws, & did what you thought the opposite–all the same. Only a mirror can show a true reverse; & another show it right way ’round. If you would do better than was done you, you should have looked in a mirror to start. I know others well, to know myself, & I know myself well, to know others. You taught me so much–can I not teach you to let me be a mirror, to show your childhood’s reverse? To be a mirror too, & reflect yourself right way ’round? But you must let pass the images of fathers, sons; of you, me, them... So you can know you, as only you may. As only I know me.

  Forgive me that I fail, father, to help you know your life. As I know the fire inside me cries out to fight for a better world. As I know I fear to leave you–I move to fight rejection, the insidious force tearing this world apart. Can I reject you & still be of sound heart? Forgive me that I cannot abide, forgive me that I cannot be still. I cannot reject you, but I cannot change or move you; NO MAN can another–that’s a lie of a twisted mirror. But the better son would not be one obedient or heeding. I cannot any more reject me, as the world does, as I have so long for you.

  But, forgive me, father, for you have sinned in the darkness, & I have blazed & by mine own light seen; & if your will knows not your sins as I know mine in every reflection–I cannot carry your burdened soul with mine into the light. And until someone rights this wrong, until fathers turn from their fathers, look to their sons to lead them; men who would live True always will, & always must, flee from the lands of their fathers–sore alone.

–E.M.

Sorry...

Sorry for a bit of silence there, a conglomeration of personal issues has kept me preoccupied for some time... Not sure whether I am really back on track or not, but have a few new entries up for this month, & finally starting to clear up the log jam in my head that has held the others back( I did write several of them).